I have a friend who rates everything on Yelp (fuck you Karen).  She tries to convince me that I should use Yelp to rate all the gyms I go to.  It is something I should really start doing because the world really needs to hear what I have to say.  But until I create a Yelp account I will have to continue to educate the masses through my writing on here.

Your gym should have one of these

Remember all that talk about Crossfit being elite?  Remember when Crossfit gyms played loud as fuck music and let you throw chalk around?  How about the coaches that could kick the shit out of all the members?  Sure, there are a few places out there like that… but they are rare.  Really rare these days.  Thanks to fucktons of advertising and the natural effectiveness of real exercise, Crossfit is ever popular.  As it grows, new gyms open up daily.  Gyms that have no idea what the fuck they are doing or how to make anyone elite.  Even the classes are being infiltrated by weak fucks who desire mediocrity.

So how can Yelp help you avoid the gyms with shitty mission statements or avoid an affiliate with weak clients?  READ THE LOWEST RATING FOR THE GYM.  95 percent of the ratings are five stars.  Skip right the fuck over them and move onto the one star ratings.  Two star ratings are also acceptable.  First off, most 5 star ratings are probably bullshit anyway.  Have you ever filled out a customer satisfaction survey when your service was great?  Fuck no.  You only take the time to rate something for two reasons.  #1 You know the owners and want them to have a successful business, regardless of your actually experience there. #2 You are pissed off at them and what their business to fail.  Here is an example of why you don’t want to waste your time on a 5 star, positive Yelp review.

Words that describe Counter Culture: Inspirational, motivation, family, educational…The list goes on!  This place is fantastic and I am very close with the owner and head coaches as I help the members with various sports injuries.  One of the best training facilities and training methods I have seen!

- Counter Culture is in fact a great place to work out with knowledgeable coaches.  The dude even admits to being close to the owners.  Random words used to describe this Yelp review… Vomit, Pussy, Bullshit.

Here is another bullshit review you should not pay any attention to.

I learned about CrossFIt when I was living in North Carolina, but though it was “too hard for me”. After a friend talked me into trying out CrossFit Scottsdale, I have been hooked!  I have always been an athlete and the coaches and other athletes in the class motivate me to push myself to my limits. It’s exactly the type of CrossFit establishment I would expect to see in a city like Scottsdale, clean, welcoming, and top of the line!

- I want to know what gym in NC was too hard for you?  Obviously harder is better, right?  Not to this chick.  Clean?  No serious athlete gives a fuck about the cleanliness of a gym.  Check out The Tunnel in Chicago.  As long as it is clean enough to be safe that is all anyone would need.  On second thought, fuck safety.  Dangerous shit weeds out the weak.  Welcoming?  Do you honestly like the greeter at Wal-Mart?  Do you give a fuck if someone says hi as you walk into the gym?  I rather be called out for bitching out on heavy back squats or skipping the second metcon of the day.

Alright, now something helpful.  The first one comes from my favorite place to work out.  Outlaw crossfit.

If you’re looking for a crossfit gym that is encouraging, welcoming, and to grow as an athlete, this is NOT the place for you. The lack of professionalism and high pretention is horrifying. I strongly do not encourage CFers to try this place out.

- Thanks.  I don’t want bullshit encouragement.  I rather have results through insults.  Welcoming?  We already covered that one.  This gym sure isn’t welcoming.  Small talk isn’t really encouraged here.

Here is a gem from Potomac Crossfit in Arlington.  A pretty hardcore place to train.

If you are perfect, or have that desire to return to high school and be part of the super cool in-crowd with those picture perfect facilities, then Potomac Crossfit is for you.  If you are imperfect like me and want to just rock the WODs, set some PRs and enjoy yourself, then likely there are better Crossfit places in the area for that.  In fact I know there are, because after an abysmal, unfriendly introduction where the instructor literally sneered at me because I record my WODs in a book instead of an online blog, I knew this wasn’t a good fit for me.  I’m doubly happy though that there is a place for the perfect people, since that means I won’t have to trip over their egos at my box!

- I was awesome in high school and always ran with the super cool kids.  It would be great to relive it.  And I love surrounding myself with perfect people.

The  super Cool crowd.  Way cooler than you were.  And had a lot more coke too.

This one was really long so I only included the pertinent parts.  This is from West Coast Strength and Conditioning in Ventura CA.  This place has heavy chains and programs for them so they at least know a little bit.

By the third evening I had pulled a muscle in my hip from running on the concrete and could no longer justify beating myself up for this workout. I could also see that many of the other students were having a rough time, but no personal feedback or commentary from Colin. When I was an instructor, I made sure that if one of my students did not return, they received a follow up call from me to see if there was a problem and if we could remedy it. I never received a call from Colin to find out why I wasn’t coming back, it was obvious to everyone that I was limping-except apparently to Colin. I would definitely NOT recommend CrossFit unless you are already in great condition. If you suspect you may have any problems or need a workout that starts out slowly and builds your endurance-then CrossFit is not the place to go. 1 star for a clean gym.

- Pulled a muscle in a workout?  Must be good workouts.  Coach didn’t notice you limping?  Probably because he was too busy letting you be an adult and allowing you to speak for yourself.

Another one I had to abbreviate.  This one is from Source Crossift in Oceanside, CA.  This one star review was very helpful.

The third exercise we did was a combination exercise that included a push up as part of that combination. During the exercise the top of my shoulder “pinched” so I stopped. She told me I needed to go the length of the room( I was half way). I told her no. Let’s see, I was doing a brand new exercise and my body felt it. I tend to listen to my body. Go figure! Apparently, if your over forty this is NOT the place to be.

- A coach that encourages you to work through some minor pain?  A win in my book.

Doesn’t really care if your shoulder hurts a little.  Be lucky if he doesn’t hit you with a fucking chair.

Do your gym a favor.  Give them a one-star rating, say some shit about spotting large rats and physically abusive coaches.  The owners will thank you.  And you won’t have to worry about the weak and feeble getting in the way of your epic lifts.