To a noob, Crossfit is a confusing and scary thing.  Imagine walking into a gym for the first time and seeing this message written:  WOD 3xME HSPU strict + ME kipping HSPU then 20 minute AMRAP of 30 UB DUs, 20 OHS @ 40 kg, 10 KB swings @ 2 pood.  If you are reading this you probably know what all that shit means.  But to someone who has never done crossfit you could have just read an encrypted message intercepted from the DPRK (Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea for you retards out there).

World’s best Crossfit Transliteration guide, starting with what really pisses me off first…

1.  WOD.  This is an acronym.  It stands for Workout of the Day.  ACRONYM!  Not a verb.  Please stop using it as such.  If I hear someone say “Let’s WOD together!” one more time I am going to start to murder people.  Would you say “Let’s workout of the day together?”  Maybe if you were new to the English language you would.  For the rest of us… please stop using it.  In fact, let’s all stop using the acronym completely.  We should start using Workout instead.

2.  3,2,1, go!  This is the universal cue used to start a workout.  It was cool in 2004.  Now, everyone is sick of hearing it.  It is on t-shirts, bumper stickers, and everywhere else crossfitt fanatics put phrases.  How about:  1,2,3 Start?  Ready, begin?  On my command, Execute?  Anything other than the plain old, worn out, 3,2,1, go!

3.  Box.  This is a word used to describe a gym where people do crossfit or exercises resembling crossfit.  I admit I was once guilty of using this word to describe a gym.  I have since seen the light.  Gym is the same number of letters.  So shortening the letter count is not an excuse.  Both gym and box are single syllable words.  So that can’t be the reason.  Seriously, anyone have the answer here?  I guess you could say we want to separate ourselves from the idiots at Golds and Planet Fitness, but some of those people in there could probably come into your crossfit place and destroy your Fran time without any preparation.

A gym, not a box.

4.  RX.  It means as prescribed… like from the pharmacy.  For example, if a workout calls for 30 repetitions of 135 pound snatches and you do 30 repetitions at 135 pounds, you have completed the workout as prescribed by whomever wrote it.  Many people have a hard time understanding this and will write RX next to their time even if they only used 100 pounds.  When I write times and shit on the board I never put RX next to anything.  Mostly out of laziness, but also because RX has lost it’s appeal.

5.  Rip.  Also known as a tear (pronounced t-air).  This is when a callous is unintentionally removed from your hand during an exercise.  They usually occur during high repletion exercises that involve hanging from a bar or swinging a kettlebell.  The use of this word pisses me off because most of you make way too big of a deal about it.  There are hundreds of precautions you all take to prevent it, it still happens, and then you take a week off because the pain is “too much”.  Shut the fuck up and push on.  We all get them.

This is a rip, unless your hands look like this you should be working out.  Pussy.

Now for the the stuff that doesn’t annoy me but still needs addressing…

6.  Hero Workout.  A hero workout is a workout named after someone who was killed in the line of duty whilst serving their country.  Hero workouts are fucking brutal.  They are usually a 30-50 minute gut check that leaves you broken and unable to move for several weeks.  I mean no disrespect to those who have given their lives… but if the Taliban were to capture me and cut my head off, and crossfit decides to give me a workout, please make it something like “15 minutes to establish a maximum repetition snatch” or “1 maximum effort set of pushups”.  That way, when my workout comes up, no one will dread doing it.  I have never been one to make others suffer needlessly.

7.  Metcon.  This stands for metabolic conditioning workout.  Cardio, for those who do regular working out stuff.  A better term for this?  Conditioning.

8.  PR.  Personal record.  Also known as PB, or personal best.  Usually used in conjunction with a load or time a crossfitter writes onto a marker board or into an online forum.  Most of the time these “PRs” are complete bullshit and there exists no videographic evidence nor witnesses to backup the “PR”.

9.  AMRAP.  Another acronym.  Stands for “As Many Rounds (or repetitions) As Possible”.  For example… if the workout is an 8 minute AMRAP of 5 snatches and 10 toes to bar and you complete 25 snatches and 50 toes to bar, your score will be 5.  5 rounds completed.  Pretty simple.

10.  Paleo.  A diet which consists of basically eating as men did before agriculture.  Robb Wolf will probably beat me up for summing it up this briefly, but it requires hundreds of pages worth of text to explain it properly.  It is a great diet for a casual exerciser.  It also works for lazy fucks who are stuck on the couch.  Probably not ideal for an elite athlete though.  I have interviewed many elite level crossfit competitors and almost none of them eat paleo.  Most of them eat what ever the fuck they want.  Seriously, ask them.  But they also put in about 40 hours a week in the gym.  Your mon, wed, Friday workouts at your gym will not allow you to eat whatever the fuck you want.

11.  Zone Diet.  See above. Basically a diet that stresses quantity of food.  I.E. not eating like a retarded American.

12.  EMOM.  Acronym standing for “Every Minute on the Minute”.  Usually used in conjunction with a heavy Olympic lift.  For example, an EMOM workout may look like this.  “EMOM of 80 percent of 1 rep max snatch for 20 minutes”.  That means you will perform a snatch at the top of every minute for a total of 20 minutes.

13.  White Board.  Also known as a “Dry Erase Board”.  These usually line the walls of crossfit gyms and typically contain one of three things.  #1 The workouts/loads/times of the day.  #2 Personal records of people who belong to the gym.  #3 Stupid motivational sayings that have no bearing on the success or failure of the members of the gym.  90 percent of the loads and times written on these boards are complete bullshit.  Most of the programing is shit.  And we already covered the motivational sayings.  The solution?  Get a notebook and keep your own logs.

14.  Pood.  A unit of measurement used to determine weight.   It is approximately 16.38 kilograms (36.11 pounds).  Typical unit of measurement for kettlebells.  A cool way to sound smart is to only refer to kettlebell weights in poods.  I do it all the time.  Just ask my athletes how cool I am.

15.  DU.  Double Unders.  A style of jumping rope involving the rope passing twice under the athletes feet per jump.  Sounds simple, but it is the hardest movement in all of crossfit.  Fuck you if you can do double unders.  I fucking hate you.

16.  UB.  abbreviation of unbroken.  Meaning, to complete a set of repetitions without taking a break.  For example.  20 unbroken pullups means one completed 20 pullups without letting go of the bar.

17.  KB.  Abbreviation of Kettlebell.

Buy me some of these.

18.  ME.  Acronym for “Maximum effort”.  Usually used when a coach wants someone to perform repetition of a certain movement until the athlete fails or cannot do any more repetitions.  For example.  “Complete one set of ME pushups” means the athlete will do pushups until failure.  The number of pushups will be the ME score.

19.  Kip.  Also Kipping.  A forceful movement of the body used to assist in the completion of an exercise.  Legal in crossfit.  Go ahead and cheat, it’s Kosher.

Seems like a lot of work to put your chin over the bar, eh?

20.  HSPU.  Acronym standing for Hand Stand Push Ups.

21.  C & J.  Acronym for Clean and Jerk.  An Olympic lift.

22.  OHS.  Acronym for Overhead Squat or what I call “the great equalizer”, because most of you suck at them.

23.  C2B.  Chest to Bar Pullups.  Something that you all cheat at.  Pretty simple really.  Just do a pullup until your chest touches the bar.  Usually requires a massive kip unless you are a beast.  Most of you will miss and still count the rep.  It’s ok.  Cheating is legit in crossfit.  Just write your new PR on the board and don’t forget to update facebook with your best time ever.

24.  T2B.  Toes to bar.  And exercise that entails the athlete hanging from a bar and touching their toes to the bar.  Scaled versions of this include K2A (knees to armpits), K2E (knees to elbows), or KAHAFP (Knees as high as fucking possible, what most of you do).

25.  Row for Cal.  Rowing for a set calorie count on the Concept 2 rowing machine.  There are two common units of measurement for the rowers, calories and distance.

26.  SDHP.  Acronym for sumo deadlift high pulls.  This movement is a way to simulate rowing if you don’t have a rower.  It also closely mimics nothing you do in real life.

27.  Med Ball.  Medicine ball.  Those medieval looking 14″ balls that are weighted.  Usually they are thrown to a distance of 10′ vertically.  Most of you cheat and throw them far shorter distances and still count the reps.

28.  Plate.  A 45 pound or 20 kilogram weight plate.

29.  Quarter.  A 25 pound or 25 kilogram weight plate.

30.  Dime.  A 10 pound or 10 kilogram weight plate.

31.  Ghost Ride the Bar.  Ghost riding the bar is not only fun but recommended if you are a man.  Ghost riding the bar involves dropping a loaded bar from an overhead position without any regard for human safety or longevity of the gear.  See also… fun.

32.  Metcon Warrior.  A person who does well on workouts involving moving light loads.  Usually fails at complex maneuvers or anything requiring a substantial load.

33.  Meathead.  Opposite of Metcon Warrior.

34.  Level one Cert.  This is a phrase used to describe someone who has attended the Crossfit level one trainer certification.  It costs 1000 dollars and has no other requirement.  Allows you to open up a crossfit gym and teach people crossfit, regardless of what you really know.  Seriously, the only requirement is a heartbeat and 1000 dollars!  Be wary of anyone who is telling you what to do, especially if they caveat their advice with any form of “I have my level one…”.

35.  Jerk Boxes.  Also, snatch blocks, blocks, oly boxes, etc.  They have a lot of names.  These are giant wooden contraptions that take up a lot of space in your gym, cost a fortune to build, and no one will ever use them (even though they are one of the best tools for improving your olympic lifts).

You won’t find these in your pathetic gym.

36.  DL.  Abbreviation for Deadlift.  A great measure of strength.  Why is it such a great measure?  Cause you can’t really cheat on it.  Weight is lifted off the ground vertically until full hip extension is reached.  Unlike the quarter squat most of you recorded as your PR, the deadlift is nearly impossible to cheat on.

There are probably a ton more, but I am tired.  Also… the opening party for the garage gym is this Saturday.  If you are in SOCAL it would be in your best interests to stop by.  We will be doing a beer workout… EMOM shot of beer/bear complex till people pass the fuck out.

For the Victor!